OFFICIAL SCOUTING REPORT · EST. LAST TUESDAY

I can tell exactly how good you are just by looking at you.

(Mostly.)

↓ the credentials

EXHIBIT A — THE HARDWARE

1ST*

Two pickleball champions with gold medals at a sanctioned tournament

First place.

Sanctioned tournament. Franklin backdrop. Two medals, both gold, both earned. We finished fifth. The organizer over-ordered the medals and invented a consolation round to hand them out, and we won the round that was never supposed to exist. I do not make the rules. I medal under them. Sonya carried us. I have never been prouder of a fifth-place finish in my life.

* Bracket created due to a surplus of medals. The medal is still gold. I checked.

EXHIBIT B — THE SCOUTING TRIP

The scout standing arm in arm with a pro on a court at dusk

Comparable builds.

Drove to Sacramento for this. Took in the round of 32, then took a meeting with the talent on court. Two Skechers athletes, side by side. He is sponsored by Skechers. My best friend works at Skechers. Same thing. We both wear sleeves. We both came to play. He looked down, nodded, and said "nice shoes." That is how endorsement deals start. My scouting report on Tyson McGuffin: very similar player, slightly more of everything.

* Sleeves may be different kinds of sleeves. Still researching.

TALE OF THE TAPE

Rating (coach)3.4serve rated 3.7, which is basically 4.0

DUPR (tournament)2.371the algorithm has never seen me warm up.

Paddles owned10primary: Speedup Tide 14, elongated. more power, less weight, less control. just how I like it.

Shoes owned≥ 10sample size. best friend is a VP at a shoe company. it's a whole thing.

Pickleball shoes that fit0they run narrow. I suffer like everyone else, but in more colorways.

Career medals2one gold*, one bronze. a complete set, minus the silver.

Pre-serve routineIDENTICALsame as the #1 player in the world. everything after the serve is under review.

Role modelRICKY BOBBYNASCAR legend. if you ain't first, you're last. my medal says first. case closed.

Stretch goalMCGUFFINTyson. we're basically the same player. he just reps more.

EXHIBIT C — THE PODIUM

The scout on the third-place step of a podium, wearing a medal and holding a bottle of wine

Podium finish.

Singles. A field of three. I took the third step, the one closest to the ground, which is where the ball is. Everyone on the podium got a medal and a bottle of wine, same as the winner. I'm calling it a three-way tie.

* Photo cropped for focus. The players who finished below me have been removed. (There weren't any.)

THE RECORD

Bronze medal3RD OF 3singles. won zero matches. medaled anyway.

Singles0–19four tournaments. current streak: 19. streaks are what champions have.

Doubles (DUPR)1–84–8 if you count the consolation bracket, which I do, because that's where they hand out the gold.

Avg opponent DUPR3.120I only play up.

Points won28.06%more than a quarter. against 3.12s. write that down.

Points vs. holds7–2side outs forced: 4. I don't count points. I count holds. by my math we won the defense, which is the half of the game nobody writes down.

King of the courtLONGEST REIGNlower group at the McGuffin camp, unofficial, unverified, undisputed (by me).

Singles medals per match won∞nobody in the sport is more efficient.

My record does not reflect my ability. My ability reflects my ability.

OUTGOING MAIL

ToRICKY BOBBYNASCAR legend. role model.

StatusSENTsent him a fan letter. no reply yet. it's race season.